How And When To Start A Conversation With A Struggling Friend?

Ask her to get together or check in with you. You could start with something like, “You don’t seem like yourself lately. You know I care about you. Can we find a time to sit down and catch up?” Or, “Hey, I miss you. I feel like we haven’t had a chance to hang out or talk like we normally do. When can we catch up?”

Meet your friends in person, or schedule a phone call or video chat. These methods of communication are preferable to just texting or messaging because you can get a better sense of nonverbal cues, like how they look and how they react to what you say. It’s easy to pretend “I’m fine” via text.

Choose a location that is convenient to have a talk in relative privacy. You could offer to grab a coffee, hang out at a quiet park, or go for a walk. A loud, crowded space is not the right venue.

Start the conversation from a place of concern and support. For example, you could say something like, “You seem a little down lately and I just want you to know that I’m here for you.” Be sure to be able to give them your full attention from the outset. Put away your phone, make eye contact or, if that is too direct, position yourself in a way that shows you are fully there and ready to listen.

Be specific about what you’ve seen or heard that’s causing you concern. For example, you can say things like, “It concerned me when you said…” or “I am worried about you because I have noticed that you seem – low energy, sad, angry, depressed – the last few times we’ve talked.” Being clear about what you’re noticing and making it clear that you are sharing your perception, which may or may not be in alignment with their reality, is helpful for your friend and makes it easier to follow up on their behavior over time.

Let them know they are not alone. Sometimes when we’re struggling, we isolate ourselves or feel like no one understands what we’re going through. It’s important for your friend to know they have a support system to lean on. This can be as simple as periodic but regular text message check-ins. What is most important is that your actions follow your words – do not say you care and want to be there for them and then disappear for a long period of time.

Connect with professional resources. Some life adversities are complex. It is understandable that such complex situations are beyond your capacity to address. Hence, you need to connect your friend with community resources to get professional help. If your friend feels nervous about contacting professional help, you can offer to help her make an appointment or meet the professional with her together, if you have time. It also happens that peer leaders like you may feel burnout from helping others. When that happens, you should also seek help from professionals. Remember, you need to take good care of yourself before you can help others.

Really listen to them. Listen to details of their story, but also listen for the specific emotions they are sharing. The various events, exchanges and people that are involved in stressful situations matter, but what’s most significant is their emotional reaction to the details. It might be impossible to change the situation, but it can be possible to bear witness, validate, or even soothe one’s emotions. So, listening to how they feel is as important as listening to the specific events that drive their feelings.

Be non-judgmental. Some people are used to offering comments or suggestions when hearing about others’ difficulties. It can be driven by a good intention to help. However, it may be perceived by the other side as you are criticizing them or blaming them for not trying enough, which will make them feel worse. When offering emotional support to someone, we need to accept and validate their feelings without judgment. The simple gesture of sincere listening can make the person feel respected and less lonely.

Be patient. They may not be ready to tell you everything at once, or they may not know how to articulate what they’re going through. Be comfortable with silence if they need to take their time. But you can circle back around to your concerns if you continue to notice things that are worrying.